God v. Nietzsche



“God is dead.”

~ Nietzsche on religion

“Nietszche is dead.”

~ God on Nietzsche

“No, I'm not.”

~ Nietzsche on undoing his death

“Yes, you are. Nyah.”

~ God on being spiteful

“Yeah, real mature, God.”

~ Nietzsche on a spiteful God

“I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

~ God on physiology

“Well then you're an awesome and cool philosopher who gets all the ladies. Nyah.”

~ Nietzsche on reverse compliments

“Oh, that does not count.”

~ God on the validity of reverse compliments

“Hey, don't call it if you can't stand the fact that I found a loophole.”

~ Nietzsche on accountability

“It's not a loophole, it's retarded.”

~ God on validity of reverse compliments

“It is NOT retarded!”

~ Nietzsche on his smart idea

“Don't question my judgment; I broke the hip of Israel, remember? You can't touch this.”

~ God on his unlimited power

“Come on, I can whip your arse any day!”

~ Nietzsche on wiping the floor with God

“Too bad you don't have a gun to whip me with. Nyah.”

~ God on pistol-whipping

“Oh, come on, why would I want to whip you with a gun?”

~ Nietzsche on God's stupid fantasies

“Dunno. Just sounded fun.”

~ God on his fun-sounding ideas

“Besides, if I had a gun, I'd shoot you.”

~ Nietzsche on violence

“Oh, then, well, too bad I have a bulletproof vest!”

~ God on personal defense

“Yeah, well, my bullets go through bulletproof vests.”

~ Nietzsche on modern ballistics

“Nuh-uh, my vests made of tiberium and nothing goes through tiberium.”

~ God on scientific properties of tiberium

“Well then I'd shoot you with a laser that melts the tiberium and then kills you.”

~ Nietzsche on modern laseristics

“No way, this is special unmeltable tiberium, you can't melt it.”

~ God on scientific properties of tiberium

“Yes I can, my laser has infrared, and like, ultraviolet light combined that melts even unmeltable tiberium.”

~ Nietzsche on invisible spectra of light

“Well then I can use my ninja skillz to evade the laser.”

~ God on ninja skillz

“You don't have ninja skillz!”

~ Nietzsche on God's lack of ninja skillz

“Yes I do!”

~ God on His actual nonlack of ninja skillz

God jumps around the room, displaying His ninja skillz

“Stop it!”

~ Nietzsche on God making a total fool of Himself

Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's want for people to stop making fun of his mustache.

“Oh you're just jealous of my skillz.”

~ God on why envy is one of the seven deadly sins

“How can I be jealous of something you don't have? Huh?”

~ Nietzsche on Nihilism

“Oh, you know you are, just like you were of my Stretch Armstrong, and you were all like 'I don't even like it! It's stupid!' then I left to get some cookies then I came back and you broke with it, and you tried to hide it, but I saw it! You cut him to ribbons! Don't pretend you weren't!”

~ God on Stretch Armstrong

“It doesn't even matter, cause my laser homes in on its target so even if you DID have ninja skillz it would find you, AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK WITH YOUR GODDAMN STRETCH ARMSTRONG!”

~ Nietzsche on fundamentally impossible behaviors of lasers

“Dude... you fucked Stretch Armstrong?”

~ God on utter disbelief

“Well, I--”

~ Nietzsche on covering things up

“YOU ME-DAMNED BASTARD!!!”

~ God on Hell

“Hey, my lasers will still find you!”

~ Nietzsche on staying on the ball

“Not a chance, I'd go invisible.”

~ God on things he can do but you can't

“It goes by body heat!”

~ Nietzsche on fundamentally slightly less impossible behaviors of lasers

“Well I'm cold-blooded. Nyah.”

~ God on why heaven is warm

“Well in that case it just destroys the entire universe except for me, so no matter where you were it'd kill you.”

~ Nietzsche on being the victor

“Then I'd just create the universe all over again and make it so that instead of language, people just said 'Nietzsche's a fag' over and over.”

~ God on slightly bigoted spite

“Hey! My cousin's gay!”

~ Nietzsche on uncomfortable Christmas parties

“Oh... really?”

~ God on realizing the AIDS didn't get them all

“Yeah.”

~ Nietzsche on affirmation of the fact that it did not

Note: This quote is sometimes misattributed to Nietzsche's feelings on wanting fries with that.

“Sorry, dude, I didn't know...”

~ God on feigning regret

“Yeah... and I hear he thinks you're cute! Hahahahaha!”

~ Nietzsche on his cousin's desires

“Dude! Not cool!”

~ God on Hell

“My gay cousin thinks you're cu-uuuuuute!”

~ Nietzsche on slightly bigoted taunting

“Dude, stop it!”

~ God on quitting that

“God and my cousin, sitting in a tree!”

~ Nietzsche on lumberjacks

“STOP IT!”

~ God on fucking quitting that now

Note: The above quote is sometimes misattributed to God's feelings about fornication.

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

~ Nietzsche on the word that won him his fourth grade spelling bee

“I said, STOP IT!”

~ God on seriously, fucking knocking that off

“First comes love! Then comes marriage! Then comes God pushin' a baby carriage! YAY!”

~ Nietzsche on physiological impossibilities ignored for the sake of simplicity

“Dude, screw you, I'm going home.”

~ God on fornication

“Really? Then... then that means I win!”

~ Nietzsche on winning

“Well, dude, I don't--”

~ God on not caring

“I win! I win the fight!”

~ Nietzsche on victory

“Look, I don't care, you're mean. Dude, don't ever invite me over to play Mouse Trap ever again.”

~ God on why he prefers Sorry

“Why? Are you a pussy?”

~ Nietzsche on God's resemblance to a vagina

“No, dude, I just have this totally cool collection of board games, so--”

~ God on his superiority

“Ha! I torched your collection of board games, so don't come crying to me when you want to play a game again!”

~ Nietzsche on mercy

“WHAT?”

~ God on disbelief

“Yep. Oh, and by the way, you better watch out for that tiberium. It's totally going to explo--”

~ Nietzsche on ducking behind a lead barrier

“SHI-I-IT!!!”

~ God on things that slide out of anuses

God explodes because he was wearing tiberium and he forgot that it kills people who come too close to it for too long.

“Geesh. Told you so.”

~ Nietzsche on totally being right

“Hey, uh, Nietzsche... where does this cousin of yours live?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nietsche's totally gay cousin.

“Oh, forget about him; he's a Kant.”

~ Nietzsche on his cousin Immanuel

“Ah. In that case, more pussy?”

~ Oscar Wilde on inviting Nietzsche to join an orgy

“Absolutely!”

~ Nietzsche on top of a woman